Where am I now? A common question.

It's been a while since I posted - intense workload + lingering effects of many life changes means very little "extra" time.

Here's the good news - I've been engaging in study. For real - engaging with materials, actually building up some decent work on my database, etc... It feels good when I find the time for it. Of *course* it hasn't been enough time. I'd guess maybe 4 hours a week so far. This is more than before, and more than half of what I want to be spending.

I haven't written much because of the lack of time, but more honestly because I didn't want to talk much about what's really going on. Seems irrelevant, for one thing. Also, it's the same old problems rearing their ugly heads and I'm dreadfully tired of it.

I feel like a person who is perfectly prepared for a trip, and yet unable to reach my destination. I've got the perfect map, I know the directions and the plan for following them. I've got the mode of transportation lined up and humming. Everything is in place, it's time to go.

But, somehow, I manage to consistently prevent myself from proceeding. It's like there's an invisible film over whatever is necessary for successful completion. Like being a prisoner in my own experience unable to reach out and manipulate reality into what I truly want.

The most difficult thing is that all the big pieces are in place. For all intents and purposes, my life is precisely what I have engineered it to be. I have a partner that is the best in the world, and our relationship is pretty much perfect. I have family and friends who love me nearby and accessible. I do good work that helps people's lives every day, and make a living doing it (more or less - some rough edges here that are stressful). I am endlessly exposed to opportunities to make my life better.

So, what's wrong?

The big things are in place. The trajectory is wonderful. It's the bits and pieces, the in between, that makes things tough. I have incredible gratitude for what I have, though I don't recognize that often enough. But the reality is that I need that mortar, the little in between, to make my wall truly strong.

I know the mortar needs to be there, and I think I even know what the mortar is made from. But, that invisible barrier seems to keep me from laying it down. I try in fits and starts, but for one reason or another, it never gets done. The wall isn't complete, the journey doesn't result in the destination...

I have to admit I'm at a bit of a loss why this is the case. It seems simultaneously simple and impossible. I've asked for help from very savvy people, I've done little trials and radical reorientations. I've educated myself in every conceivable way. I've had near death experiences and other wake-up calls to energize me towards making this final step in creating my best life.

All that is left is to do it, and yet here I am, pushed back by the invisible barrier.

I know I'm not the only one who has felt this way.

My starting curriculum

I have three basic deficiencies with regards to my practice of medicine.

1. Herbal knowledge
2. Acupuncture knowledge
3. Cultivation / life balance
4. Bonus : Chinese language

I figure these deficiencies are likely to be lifelong. I guess it's not fair to call them deficiencies. Instead, I should call them areas of improvement. :)

Herbal knowledge

This is, in some ways, my area of greatest expertise. It's easy to teach about (at least to first and second year students) and I naturally find myself gravitating towards it. I like to fuse lots of different types of information in my understanding of herbs and formulae, from the most material (phytochemistry, botany) to the most esoteric (Shennong ben cao jing, plant spirit meditation).

The reality is, though, that I've not done any concerted, systematic study of herbs for some time. I've also lost some things to the ravages of time - my memory being what it is and all. I have a TON to learn and learning for me happens within the confines of structure. Rather, the best learning does.

Acupuncture knowledge

I shorted myself in my study of acupuncture, opting to focus on herbs. That was a fine choice, and probably reflects what will be a lifelong emphasis. However, it is becoming increasingly clear that I need to study acupuncture more - particularly insofar that it relates to the treatment of pain.

Many people in this country look to acupuncture first in terms of Chinese medicine. I need to honor that, not always spend my time trying to swim upstream. There's a ton I can do to advance my understanding.

Cultivation / life balance

Directly and indirectly being a student of optimal life balance is helpful to my patients. Directly, learning various techniques for relieving stress and living a best life can be passed on to my patients to help them in their journeys. Indirectly, the more balanced and happy I am, the more likely I am to give effective and inspired treatments.

I am currently enrolled at Maitripa College in a Masters of Divinity in Buddhist studies mostly to expand my skill and understanding in these realms. I hope to teach meditation classes to patients within the year.

I am also redoubling my efforts to implement GTD and a few other productivity methodologies I know and enjoy. I always know when I've slipped here, because life begins to feel quite out of control. When I devote myself to a clean implementation, things calm down a ton. Noted.

Chinese language

It is important for me to finally learn Chinese. I want to travel to China within the decade, and make that a frequent effort. I also want to translate the Shennong ben cao jing, if only for myself. There is also a ton of literature in a variety of realms that is only accessible right now in Chinese. I can't wait for translators forever, and I'm sick of being beholden to particular interpretations of the medicine. While all translation is interpretation (including my own) I need to have more direct access.

Learning Chinese will also be a huge confidence booster.

These are the realms I must address in my curricular construction.

Here's my first phase plan

I do not have time for study. So, I have to make time for it. I have to be fully dedicated to this and approach it like I would approach classes that I'm paying for at an institution. It has to be something I feel is non-negotiable. If I just try to shove this into my already full life, stress will be the result, which will defeat the purpose. Therefore, I need to create a schedule that will work given my current situation and devote myself to it entirely. Then, with time, I can expand it as my life shifts and changes.

Herbal knowledge

Phase 1 - Rememorization : 5 hours/week

My first goal will be to entirely memorize all formulas in the canon I utilize. I have most of them memorized, but not all. The goal, though, is not MERELY to memorize, but to use the memorization process as a springboard for finding my next goals.

I imagine myself working through a formula memorization by using flashcards, reading the relevant texts, doing research online, making the formula and taking it, and talking to my teachers. I will do one formula at a time and then move on.

If there are herbs that I do not know well within the formula, I will apply the same attention to them. I will build my databases as I go, and not feel in a rush to get to another one. Some formulas will demand a lot of attention, some of them only a little.

I will choose my formulas to study at random.

Acupuncture knowledge

Phase 1 - Rememorization : 2 hours/week

I will proceed with acupuncture in the same way as I do with herbs. However, since we don't do "formulas" with acupuncture, I will have to modify my approach somewhat. I will begin by studying points on the head and neck and proceed downward through the body. I will intuitively choose the right points to study. I will use all of my senses to explore, and do library research and online research to expand my understanding.

Cultivation : 6 hours/week

I have already essentially described my approach above. Maitripa study will be the backbone, along with consistent GTD implementation.  3 of the hours are specific to Maitripa (class + homework), but there will be more hours of reading and meditation practice that are already included in my calendar and have been for some time. The other 3 hours are for my weekly review and other checkins specific to GTD.

Chinese language : 2 hours/week

I've got access to a great Chinese language training program that is available on all my devices. I'm committing to two hours of engagement with that.

I need this place to post about my attempt to transform myself and my life. I don't want it to have an economic imperative. I actually don't even want very many people to read it. But, for some reason, doing it in this public way helps me, and that's the way I will proceed.

Today, a teacher who I admired greatly died of cancer. He is not the first person to die of cancer, of course. He's not the first person close to me who died of cancer. People die of cancer every day, all over the world. He was not unique, but the impact his passing has made on me is unique.

This event is part of a stream of influences that have grown in intensity over the past week and are pointing me in a pretty strong direction. Like everything in my life, that direction is not simple or even that easy to comprehend, but a yijing reading this morning helped crystallize things for me.

The center of it is this - I'm a doctor. Becoming the best doctor I can be is my purpose. Everything should be bent towards that end, even if it doesn't appear on the surface to be towards that end.

I know that to do this will require a change in me.

I graduated in 2009 and have been continually practicing since then. Except for with particular patients and except for isolated situation, I've not been able to mount a successful study practice since graduating. Yes, I've taken classes. Yes, of course, I've done lots of work to learn in order to teach classes. Yes, I've learned a ton from patients. But, what is needed for me to take the next steps forward is a deep, concerted, extended effort to advance my knowledge and skill to the next level.

This site will be an effort to document that process in a way that is open, honest, and continual.