Where am I now? A common question.

It's been a while since I posted - intense workload + lingering effects of many life changes means very little "extra" time.

Here's the good news - I've been engaging in study. For real - engaging with materials, actually building up some decent work on my database, etc... It feels good when I find the time for it. Of *course* it hasn't been enough time. I'd guess maybe 4 hours a week so far. This is more than before, and more than half of what I want to be spending.

I haven't written much because of the lack of time, but more honestly because I didn't want to talk much about what's really going on. Seems irrelevant, for one thing. Also, it's the same old problems rearing their ugly heads and I'm dreadfully tired of it.

I feel like a person who is perfectly prepared for a trip, and yet unable to reach my destination. I've got the perfect map, I know the directions and the plan for following them. I've got the mode of transportation lined up and humming. Everything is in place, it's time to go.

But, somehow, I manage to consistently prevent myself from proceeding. It's like there's an invisible film over whatever is necessary for successful completion. Like being a prisoner in my own experience unable to reach out and manipulate reality into what I truly want.

The most difficult thing is that all the big pieces are in place. For all intents and purposes, my life is precisely what I have engineered it to be. I have a partner that is the best in the world, and our relationship is pretty much perfect. I have family and friends who love me nearby and accessible. I do good work that helps people's lives every day, and make a living doing it (more or less - some rough edges here that are stressful). I am endlessly exposed to opportunities to make my life better.

So, what's wrong?

The big things are in place. The trajectory is wonderful. It's the bits and pieces, the in between, that makes things tough. I have incredible gratitude for what I have, though I don't recognize that often enough. But the reality is that I need that mortar, the little in between, to make my wall truly strong.

I know the mortar needs to be there, and I think I even know what the mortar is made from. But, that invisible barrier seems to keep me from laying it down. I try in fits and starts, but for one reason or another, it never gets done. The wall isn't complete, the journey doesn't result in the destination...

I have to admit I'm at a bit of a loss why this is the case. It seems simultaneously simple and impossible. I've asked for help from very savvy people, I've done little trials and radical reorientations. I've educated myself in every conceivable way. I've had near death experiences and other wake-up calls to energize me towards making this final step in creating my best life.

All that is left is to do it, and yet here I am, pushed back by the invisible barrier.

I know I'm not the only one who has felt this way.